How could you have ever been a question? How could there have ever been a doubt? My love for my sons consumed every moment of every day. Shaping each thought, influencing each decision. Their love like a blanket: covering me, sheltering and insulating me from that which did not matter. And that is how I knew what to expect. What your presence would mean. But there was still fear. The days were busy with errands, crafts, swimming, baths, cooking & eating then cleaning, books, playing and load upon load of laundry. Surely your arrival meant I would be thoroughly exhausted. Frayed and torn between children, and the tasks that make up my the business of my life. And then there is your father- my best friend, my love and the impetus for all of this. Surely there is not enough of me for all of you. Will there be enough time in the day to sit across from each of you and make you feel heard? To look each of you in the eyes and listen. I passed 10 sick months throwing up and cultivating these horrible thoughts. And then, you were here. Lovely and luminescent with your pale skin and dark eyes. And suddenly everything was quiet. The inner dialogue ceased to exist. The love of my boys cocooned me in bliss, but you filled me with contentedness, which, in turn, gave me something I’ve never known before: peace. This life that I’ve spent every day designing and orchestrating, this life made up of a million silly little mundane details, suddenly seemed……real. As if I had completed the construction phase of a home and was now free to move in. Put together as a whole, the three of you have given me the calm and perspective I’ve sought and preached about during a few of my more self-righteous moments. The calm I pretended to possess, when inside I was raging and warring with self-doubt and insecurity. Now the things I’ve always said don’t matter actually don’t, and the things that do matter are no one’s business but my own. The days are indeed ridiculously busy, and there is never enough time in the day, but I am happy. I have everything I could ever want. And how many people get to say that in this crazy life? 

I love you always, Mom