I suppose I was feeling invincible. Perhaps buoyed by the Holidays, I foolishly believed my uplifted spirit could overcome all odds. In retrospect, I find my naivety charming, laughable. The irony is that I know better. On any other day, I would have avoided charging headlong into Target with 3 kids at all costs. But not this day, my friends. No. On this day, I laughed in the face of danger and passed right through those automatic sliding doors, and straight into the red & white hell that awaited me there.
It wasn’t their fault really. They were feeding off the energy of the frenzied shoppers looking to buy wrapping paper and felted ornaments at rock bottom prices. I too was guilty of such a cheap rush. For once (dammit!) I would buy paper AFTER Christmas and prevent it’s use as a sword for 12 long months just to revel in my smug frugality as I wrapped theoretical presents in the future. I would be the epitome of the mother that had her eye on the prize: over priced colleges within driving distance. And last season’s wrapping paper was going to put us over the edge! And this year, God help me, I’m buying a tree-skirt. I refuse to pay full price for a skirt that a TREE is going to wear, but half off? Well then point me down the right aisle!
And so it went for oh, 3 or 4 minutes upon entering the store. You see, bottom feeding on Christmas ornaments and garlands, my ego can handle. Being called “poop” over and over again at decibels equivalent to a shuttle launch- that’s when the nervous ticks kick in. While pregnant with our third child, I always told myself that I was morally obligated to remain, at least outwardly, patient. If I was going to be the woman in the grocery store dragging 3 screaming kids along, clutching their forbidden box of white powdered donuts, than I had better look like I was loving every damn minute of it. So normally I see challenging moments such as this as an opportunity to proudly peacock my excellent parenting skills and endless pool of patience. Yes, funny isn’t it? I totally lost my shit today. Were you there? Did you see me give my 3 year old son a time out next to the cash register? Did you see me make everyone in line behind me wait as I threatened him with the prohibition of his Clif Bar and Wild Kratts? If you were among the lucky few, then congratulations- you got quite the show today. I may have imagined it but I swear I heard the words “birth ” and “control” at one point from the frightened crowd amassed behind me at checkout lane #6. And who could blame them? It wasn’t my finest moment. Nor was it Oliver’s. But it happened, and it served to remind me that although I may not always put on the best demonstration of parenting skills, I’m doing ok, and more importantly, my kids are too. Check back in 5 years. Make that 2.